Some people can have it very hard trying to find new friends or a partner if their self-confidence is very low. Just the thought of going on a date or that you need to meet with other people in the public can be difficult to oversee.
In the following, we will give you some information and practical advice you can use in your everyday life to manage your self-confidence.
How we are as humans
All of us have a kind of identity for ourselves a way of defining ourselves. And human beings normally not stray from that. It is often expressed how you move, your facial expression and you posture of your body, your gesture. It is all consistent with the fact that human as beings, our strongest drive is our need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves.
If your self-definition is, I am in a situation where I am kind of shy, then you are automatically trying to get to a place where you pull away or withdraw from a possible confrontation of not being shy.
This is how you get more self-confidence
The fastest way and what you can do to change yourself would be to create a story, that you repeat to yourself in your mind every time you are in a situation where you think I am going to feel shy.
As an example, let’s say you are shy or nervous and need to go and present something at your school or your workplace, or it could be you was going to meet some people for the first time, then you can start to tell yourself: “I’m the best presenter in the world. Everyone wants to hear what I have to say”.
How to use repetition to gain self-confidence
It sounds easy, and you properly think this is some B…, But it is not, the secret key is, it only works with repetition. The best way for this to work, will be to create a little card with your sentence “I’m the best presenter in the world. Everyone wants to hear what I have to say”. You keep your card in your pocket or purse and have an extra by your bed. You read it out loud to yourself several times a day and you never stop doing this. Trust me it works!
How this is working
My recommendation would be to read your card as the first thing when you get up in the morning and once during the day and before you go to bed. You will soon have learned your sentence by heart, and you can find it in your head. Then you will also start to say it to you in your head, before every situation that you think could cause to trigger you to being shy or nervous. What happens is, the message will go from your conscious mind to your sub-conscious mind that will manifest into your body and your doings.
If you tell yourself a story long enough you start to believe it, when you believe it, you start to act on it. What does this mean? It means if you tell yourself all the time that you are shy or nervous, you start to believe it and you start to act on it and your posture of your body and the way you: walk, talk and react to people, will be as you are shy and nervous.
Our conscious mind is like a computer it receives all impressions we get from the outside world and what we tell ourselves. It sends information to your subconscious mind and it does not know the difference between the input you give it, if it is real or not. It is crazy right! You can trick your subconscious mind, so it manifests through your body and behavior in reality.
An example how you are affected
So, let’s say you have been bullied or had a bad partner that has made a lot of bad impressions on you. If someone has always told you that there is something wrong with you, or that it is your fault etc. And you also start to think of yourself as a shy person in your mind, then you can easily also think I will be nervous each time I must talk to new people or do a presentation; you start to believe. You have taken that mindset into your belief system, and you have got that into your self-belief, so now you act and try to stay consistent with how you define yourself. You are actually programmed to act like you do, as you think this is who you are.
The secret it you can reverse it, you just need to reprogram you mind, and you do this with repetition.
You can fix almost any wrong thought self-belief you have taken into your subconscious mind. You can just use another sentence on your card, so it matches your situation and your goal.
Do not quit
But be patient. Today everything and everyone is very fast. If you don’t see results in the first two days or the first week I’m done, that is the mentality of most people. Their struggle is too real, we are not patient. In a world where you can google the best place to eat around you right now, no one is patient. Whatever you are going through, it will take a lot of patience and a lot of time. Start to do this for 60 days in a row and you will see amazing results, but do not quit why would you, when this is such a small trick to get you to were you want to be.
Become somebody else
You can on top of repetition, combine it to do something that is complete outside, what you would normally do. Decide to become somebody else. Who is the most playful, passionate outrageous fun person you know, or look up to? Behave like them for two or three days. Just push yourself to behave like that.
You will be uncomfortable, shocking and weird, but after a while you will be reinforced. It is like if you get a nice new hair style people will complement you. You will use those complements; they will make you want to use those other parts of yourself.
Your Own belief
Most people have a belief about themselves what they are capable of doing, no matter what you tell them. This affects how much action you take and that will affect your results and the stupid thing is, that the result will reinforce your belief.
Let’s say you have unlimited potential, but you get a little result, because you take only a little action, and why do you do this? It is because you have a lack of confidence. You do not believe in yourself.
Example with Single Relations
Example: So, let’s say you could get a partner by using the Single Relation community, you could easy within 3 minutes create and setup a We Meet group very easy. Your title could be something like; let’s meet and eat, or let’s go for a walk around this small lake in my neighborhood occasionally. You then just invite men and women to participate the group in your age range, and setup a date from where you could meet first time. This would quickly lead you to be in a group of people with a great potential to meet several times. You will then start to get to know people and build a relationship, and this could very easy lead you to find a partner or just get some nice friends, right.
Overcome your own belief
The only thing that is needed of you to change your life, is to overcome your own belief and take action. One of the main killers of taking action is doubt, it sneaks into our head and we convince ourselves that something or someone will not make it happen, or it will take too much effort or a lot of other excuses we build up, and we start to believe that we cannot do it. You need to train yourself to take action, Just Do It! as Nike say in their slogan, you will be amazed how fast you can change your life and get confidence and find a new partner or friends by just taking action. When you experience how easy it was, like: I just made a group we met and it was actually fun, your self-confidence will get a boost. You will start to change your belief in yourself, you will find that taking the action that is needed, actually also gives the results which you long for.
The downwards spiral
So, to sum up, if you set up your mindset to believe there are a very small potential, how much action are you going to take? Properly nothing or little right. So, when you think there are a little potential and you take little action, what kind of results you get? You get bad results right. And with bad results, what does that do to your belief? You will say see it does not work, I told you it was a waste of time etc. It’s going to be a vicious circle for you. What happens is you think of less potential, you take even less actions, you get even less results and your beliefs get event less that you can get what you want. This will feed itself for you in a downwards spiral and it is poisoning for you.
This is how you must do it
But where do I start to you might think. I do not want to get into a negative downwards spiral.
Start to use the repetition secret that I wrote about above, you need to train your mind, so that you get yourself in a state of certainty that you can train yourself to be confident and overcome any obstacles. If you are afraid of talking to a woman or a man, and you e.g., know he or she would actually like to go with you on a date, make a card that say: I like talking to women, it makes me happy and I am very good at it! It will strengthen and reinforce your belief; you will start to believe in your own abilities and then you get much more potential and can take action. The reason this will work, is because you get the results in your head that makes you feel certain as if it already is the reality.
You must start to change your own belief. Remember this: You control the system with your thinking. What you think determines your reality.
4 more steps to help you
Here are four more steps to start living a fulfilled life as a Single, that you can use to gain back the life you dream of with full confidence, no matter how your body look, how you walk, talk or breathe.
Step 1: Identify your perceived obstacle
It could be something like: If I lose a lot of weight, my confidence will greatly improve. I then can talk to other singles; they will not look down at me and I might be able to find love in my life. Now it can easily be that your obstacle it totally different, but you can easy use these steps as well. So try to finish this sentence: My life would be perfect if…..
What is the thing that you use to opt out of the life you really want?
Step 2: Imagine what your life would look like if your obstacle disappeared
As we talked about above, remember the repetition exercise. It has actually been found in studies that the brain doesn’t differentiate between a real memory and an imagined one. This is why visualization is so important. As an example, you might think like this; If I was lean and had a small percentage of body fat, I would stand up and speak at my work, I would smile to the girl in the supermarket and ask what she do in the weekend. I would travel the world and visit the locals in brazil in my vacation. I would even make full body pictures on my dating profile app; I would not hesitate to participate in physical activities. I would wear what I wanted.
Now think of it, what would your life look like without your perceived obstacles?
Step 3: Address your perceived obstacle
You might already, been to a therapist or tried to think and read about body positivity or other tricks that could help you address you perceived obstacle to be who you really are meant to be. But you can decide to remove you perceived obstacle in your mind for good to achieve your desired life today. It is sad that we live in a world that values the weight of a person over the soul of a person, or values youth over wellness, that value looking good over feeling good. But you can decide to value different and your life value will change. You can choose to live a healthy life and have the body you are born with and know it is healthy even though it stores fat. You can choose to go against these sad and bad values and stand up for yourself. You can choose health as a something you incorporate into your living and stop measuring it on your size of clothes or the scale in the bathroom. Instead make it a goal to live healthy and instead measure on how good you are at living healthy day to day. Your goal is not to look thin or be thin, it is to be healthy and have sound relations to other people.
Find a strategy that fits you as a person, let’s go of all stress accept that we are different do not compare you against others, they are not you. They only person you should compare yourself against is yourself. Choose wisely how you want to address your perceived obstacle, think of it as how would you like to address it, what would be good for me. Each time you are about to take action think of it as will I benefit form this. Is this making me stronger or is my belief making me weaker.
Step 4: Choose to live the life you imagined today
It can be you are thinking, how can I live my life I imagined when I still have my obstacle, I can’t do that. Think again, it is not true! – You don’t have to wait on your perceived obstacle to be fixed. Remember what you wanted to do in step 2, prepare yourself mentally, start by making a list of all you want. Take a calendar and plan each of all the things you would like to do on a specific date. Do one thing at a time, see and learn from each experience about what happens, it will make you stronger you will find out it is all in your mind. Your confidence will get a boost each time you do a thing on your list. But remember this, help other people to boost their confidence as well.
Use your mind to visualize
If you visualize it you can make it happen, remember that. When problems come up you can let them; destroy you, define you or you can let them make you stronger by reinvent yourself. You can use visualization to reinvent yourself make your stronger and achieve your imagined life. You first need to have the desire to achieve what you decided to visualize, then you need to have the certainty that you will actually achieve this and you will do it by using visualization as well and finally you need to have the acceptance. The acceptance that whatever you are visualizing are your goal in your life. Visualization is the perfect tool that enables you to use your imagination in order to figure out what you really want. Believe what you visualize, convince your mind with the appropriate language.
Stop comparing yourself
You can’t build your confidence and self-esteem when you’re always focused on comparing yourself to others. Each person has their own distinct abilities and traits that make them who you are, and nobody can compare to that. Focus on your own path and realize that you need to stop being like everyone else because you’re a unique individual. Trying to be like everyone won’t get you anywhere in building your confidence so it’s best to focus on your individuality instead.
Avoid negative self-talk
While talking to ourselves in a negative manner is completely normal, it’s the single most self-destructive habit that’s easy to dwell in. If you wouldn’t talk to a friend in the same negative manner, then there’s no reason to talk to yourself that way. By treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would do to a friend, you’re able to build your confidence better. When you engage in negative self-talk, it’s so easy to spiral into negative thinking, which will make your confidence and self-esteem suffer further.
Face your fears
You might be thinking about how you could possibly feel more confident by facing your fears when they’re contrasting things. However, facing your fears makes you confident enough to be braver. Tracing it back to this article, if you’re afraid of rejection, the only way to be confident enough to get rejected enough times that you become confident enough to know what to do about it. Every person has fears, but it’s your ability to face those fears with courage that defines how secure you are with who you are.